zombie-licious survey

Saturday, August 29, 2009 |
Today marks the beginning of September Zombies week! I had my zombie-terrific dad take a survey. My questions are in bold with his answers below. As you can see, he’s past all hope. And apparently, I am too?

Zombie: define.

A person arriving two minutes late for work, school, or any other early morning event and hasn't had their coffee. (Just kidding.) Actually, a Zombie is what's left over in the chair after a 4-hour root canal. (Just kidding.) I think this question is too difficult for me. Can I have a different one? No? Then I'm going to guess. A Zombie is...uh...well...it's...hmmmm...maybe...no...perhaps...nuts! I'm going to check a dictionary. Be back shortly. Okay, definition 1: a Zombie is a constellation in the northern hemisphere near Aquarius and Andromeda. Definition 2: a Zombie is a substance consisting of ground, pulverized, or otherwise finely dispersed solid particles. Definition 3: Any of various echinoderms of the class Echinoidea, having a soft body enclosed in a round, symmetrical, limy shell covered with long spines. Definition 4: A subdivision of any metrical composition to minus one the sine of a variation of the prototype and disorientation of the mind. Personally, I prefer definition 4. Very succinct.

Can zombies swim? Explain.

No. Zombies cannot swim because their dorsal fins and gills were removed when they joined the Zombie club. They can, however, play golf because it takes no brains to play golf. If you doubt that, stop by a golf course and check it out. No lie.

Would you rather shave your beard or lose a finger to a zombie?

I would rather shave my beard than lose a finger to a Zombie. Actually, though, I'd never lose a finger, a foot race, a bike race or any other body part to a Zombie, because I'm infinitely more athletic than them all.

Do you think zombies talk to rats?

Yes. Zombies talk to rats (and squirrels and bunnies and maggots and roaches). However, the rats, squirrels, bunnies, maggots, and roaches don't pay them any mind. (I think it is a question of pride for the rats, squirrels, etc., and beneath their dignity to respond to Zombies. IMHO)

Would you rather brave Ginny's driving or the zombie apocalypse?

I would rather brave the Zombie apocalypse than Ginny's driving. Ginny will continue driving until she's 97 years old and I don't want to be dependent upon her. I'd rather drive myself, anyway. As for the Zombie apocalypse, I don't expect it to last more than a few seconds and it'll all be over. After all, what can a Zombie do? Not much.

What is a zombie's preferred body part (for eating)?

As for body parts, a Zombie will always start eating on its toes. After eating its toes, it will gradually move up to dessert. A Zombie's dessert is about the size of a chocolate M&M. (For those who haven't figured it out, Zombie dessert is its brain).

If the zombie apocalypse occurs, what will you do?

At the Zombie apocalypse, I will watch with disinterest (it'll only last for a few seconds) and then go back to reading the encyclopedia.

How do you rate your chances of surviving a zombie apocalypse?

I will survive the Zombie apocalypse, as will most of my friends and relations. Unfortunately, the survey giver will succumb because she's already a Zombie.

What are three things a zombie would buy at a mall? At a hardware store?

A Zombie will stop at Victoria's Secret at the mall. I have no idea what might be bought there because I don't frequent that shop. As for the hardware store, wooden paint stirrers are the most likely items a Zombie would be interested in. Three is not enough, but this survey didn't allow for more than three.

How will you know a zombie when you see it?

A Zombie is known by the friends he/she keeps. Not hard to recognize, at all. Bleary-eyed, disheveled, gaping yawn, frumpy, you know the drill...check yourself out in a mirror and you'll know what I mean.

Who is the first person you will attack when you become a zombie?

I won't become a Zombie, therefore this question cannot be answered. My best guess, though, would be the Polar bear. These bears don't like competition and quash Zombies with alacrity and regularity.

Rate this survey on a scale of zombie awesomeness. 1 being rotten through, and 10 being fresh for the kill.

Unfortunately, this survey was sent to the WRONG person. I only know one Zombie and she made up this survey. However, if I were to rate it, I'd have to give it a minus 3. That means, it isn't worth using to line a rat's cage. (Besides the rat would be offended.)


Ginny said...

LOL. i laughed out loud. seriously.

good questions :D

She said...

. . . amazing! ! !

hmsgofita said...

very funny! thanks!

vvb32 reads said...

LOL - gotta love it! I can see where you get your sense of humor ;-D

Nicole said...

LOL great interview!!! Your dad sounds like a really cool dude.

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